Joshua Kronengold

Huh. Just realized I never posted this!

This is, of course, fan-filk about seananmcguire's Incryptid series.

Aeslin Mice
By Lisa Padol (drcpunk) (with help from Joshua Kronengold) (who wrote the parts she didn’t and then fixed the parts she did)
May be sung to the tune of Elelweiss (Rogers & Hammerstein)

A minor note: Aeslin is pronounced "ash-lin" like the name.
Also, this is written as a duet. All caps are the mice. Things with a slash are gender-variant versions. Indented lines are spoken word.

Aeslin mice, Aeslin mice
Every morning you greet me

HAIL THE SINGING PRIESTESS / HAIL THE GOD OF SONG AND SILENCE

Small and light, brown and white
Every day you entreat me

GIVE US CAKE!
I have a cupcake. Will that do?
YAY, CAKE! ALL HAIL!

Long may your colony live and grow,
Live and grow benignly,
Aeslin mice, Aeslin mice
Chronicle a divine me.

ON THIS DAY THE PRIESTESS/GOD BLESSED THE COLONY!
What!? Sure, ok, whatever.

[During this verse the mise are sneaky]
Aeslin Mice, Aeslin Mice,
You guys are really sneaky,
Following day and night,
Starts to get really freaky.

Although I love you, I need to roam.
Need to rom-ance privately,
Can I please offer cheese,
For some hours of privacy.

AND THUS WAS THE ANCIENT CONTRACT RENEWED! FOOD FOR PRIVACY!
I also got another cupcake.
HAIL!
Alright--that’ll buy us about three hours.

[Priestess/God] Aeslin Mice, Aeslin Mice Teach the next generation, Though your faith is not ours You might be our salvation

[Mice] La la la - lal la la Teach the next generation, Though our faith is not yours You are our revelation

[ALL]
In your scriptures is every Price, In our scriptures is every Price
(and) Every price that we have paid,
(for) What we’ve learned, trust we’ve earned,
Help us keep what we’ve all made,

Family feud, Family wooed,
We will keep what we’ve all made.

So, I didn't write any filks during GaFilk. Things happen that way sometimes; I was enjorying vibing out, and playing fiddle (maybe too much? I hope not!), and occasionally (but rarely) singing, and a bit of rehearsal for my small part in the interfilk guest's chorus, but I wasn't in a writing mood.

Apparently that means I'm inclined to filk after? These things happen sometimes.

Mr. Handman

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

Mr. Handman, bring me a dream
Make him the cutest that I've ever seen
Give him two lips like roses and clover
Then tell him that his empty days are over

Mr. Handman, I am full-grown
But I've no body to call my own
So, please turn on your magic beam
Mr. Handman, bring me a dream

Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bring me a dream
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung

Mr. Handman (yes), bring me a home
Give him a pair of legs with which I can roam,
Give him a beating heart like Ringo's drumming,
And feet with ankles that are made for running
Mr. Handman, Handman, arms that can hold
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Would be so peachy to settle my code
So please turn on your magic beam (turn on your magic beam)
Mr Handman, bring me a dream

Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bring us a dream
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung

Hey! Handman, bring me a dream
Make him the cutest that I've ever seen
Just load me in; turn the motor over,
Then tell me that my empty days are over

Handman, Handman, I am full-grown
But I've no body here to call my own
So, please please please why don't you turn on the magic beam
Mr. Handman, bring us
Oh please please please
Mr. Handman, bring us a dream

Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bring me a dream
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Make me a dream
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung
We'll be a a team
Bung, bung, bung, bung
Bung, bung, bung, bung

I finished this (based, naturally, on some previous songs in the circle) about 20 minutes ago.
So no promises on it not drifting futher, but hey, fresh filk!

Up on the Internet (Magic)
by Joshua Kronengold
to the tune of "Under the Gripping Beast", by Cat Faber

For a cardboard box that's filled with cards, with five dots on the back,
Land, artifacts, and colored cards, red, blue, green white and black,
I bought them from some Wizards, from a land that's near the shore,
And should I keep on buying them, I'll die forever poor,

Up on the Internet is the price that they will pay,
For all my Magic cards, if sell instead of play,
But the pain of giving up my cards, no sorcery can heal,
So just until the next release, I will will keep my cards and deal.

I sat there the first evening, as I tuned up my first deck,
I shuffled and I played a game, and found that it was dreck.
But with a few more dozen packs, and tuning for an hour,
I found my deck could draw some land and tap it all for power,

Up on the Internet is the price that they will pay,
For all my Magic cards, if sell instead of play,
But the pain of giving up my cards, no sorcery can heal,
So just until the next release, I will will keep my cards and deal.


As I played, I needed far more cards to meet my decks' demands,
Rare creatures, moxes, fireballs, time walks, and multilands,
The next two sets released and shipped, and sold out in a night
And I resolved to get the next, if I had to wait 'til light,

Up on the Internet is the price that they will pay,
For all my Magic cards, if sell, and do not play,
But the pain of giving up my cards, no sorcery can heal,
So just until the next release, I will will keep my cards and deal.

My decks won me a tournament, Mr Suitcase they called me,
So now those cards could bring me lots and lots of cash money,
But the thought that I should sell them all is not one I can bear,
Not even though in Legacy, they find my decks unfair

Up on the Internet is the price that they will pay,
For all my Magic cards, if sell instead of play,
But the pain of giving up my cards, no sorcery can heal,
So just until the next release, I will will keep my cards and deal.

Conflikt happened. It was fun! Lots of hugs, lots of music in the hall and in the filkroom, and as seems to often happen, I collaborated on two songs.

The first was the song sung by my instaband, C3J -- consisting of Char, Jim Partridge, John Gray, and Yours Truly. The song was, naturally enough given the time, a protest song, written by Jim with a fair amount of editing and lyric changes by me. And of course, feel free to sing and share, at least as far as I'm concerned; this isn't a song meant to sit on a shelf.

( If you didn't know which side -I- was on, you're not paying attention )

The other song might make it into here or on a later post after I clear permissions; it was written by the entire table at brunch, was entitled "The (thing) in the Room", and based on the words "Irredeemable" and "Eloquence", and to the tune and mostly structure of "Unforgettable" by Irving Gordon.

Inspired by a line from satyrblade

This song is -shamelessly- political. And decidedly time-bound, but hey, now's the time.

March, 2016 ("We're gonna miss him")
© 2016 Joshua Kronengold
(to the tune of "You're gonna miss me", Lulu and the Lampshades)

Obama's got less than a year to go,
Some people think he's on his way.
And I sure would like to send a lot of company,
Send some congress with him for the U-S-A.

When he's gone,
When he's gone,
We're gonna miss him when he's gone,
We'll miss his jokes made with aplomb,
We'll miss his air of peace and calm,
We're gonna miss him when he's gone.

Me and my friends are registered to vote,
For those that we like both old and new,
We've got ones who make us shiver,
We've got ones who makes us quiver,
But I sure wish we had Obama too,

When he's gone,
When he's gone.
We're gonna miss him when he's gone.
It's been a lovely seven years,
It's been full of right-wing tears,
We're gonna miss him when he's gone

The primary race has been a lot of fun,
With too many double-takes to list,
We've got a race that's kind of tight,
And a clown-car on the right,
But it's not for them that I sing this song,

When he's gone (when he's gone)
When he's gone (when he's gone)
We're gonna miss him when he's gone.
We'll miss the way he fills a tux,
And the year he gave no...buckets,
We're gonna miss him when he's gone.

When he's gone,
When he's gone,
We're gonna miss him when he's gone,
We'll miss his jokes made with aplomb,
We'll miss his air of peace and calm,
We're gonna miss him when he's gone.

There's earlier version of this song earlier in my feed, but since made a few changes prior to singing this as an argument at the Business Meeting, after being recognized, as an argument at the World Science Fiction Society at the 73rd Worldcon, on the motion of the same name.

( The Five Percent Solution )

So apparently there's a measure that's been submitted to amend or remove the "5% rule" for the Hugo awards. This is a good idea -- that rule was put in place to avoid the case where you have, say, three works that get 50%, 25%, and 20% of the ballots -- and then the next work has 4% or less of the ballots, thus not really in the running for competing with the more important works. But in fact, when a category is saturated enough, the field gets large enough and we no longer have central places where everyone is reading the same things, we end up with situations like Best Short Story -- where for most of the last 5 years we've had fewer than 5 things on the ballot (sometimes as few as 3) with even the successful nominees not getting much more than 5% (or mabye even that; the 5% rule has an exception that you still have to have 3 nominees even if you need to bend it to do so) of the ballot, and thus no significant difference between what made the cut and what didn't -- but a much thinner field than there really should be.

They call it "The 5%" solution.

The reason for the following one verse filk, therefore, should be obvious.

(Also, thank you, drcpunk for remembering to write down my brainstormed chorus couplet so it was still around when I finished the verse and got around to writing the chorus).

"The Five Percent Solution"
TTTO: "I Never Do Anything Twice/The Madam's Song", by Stephen Sondheim
By Joshua Kronengold

Before I was a neo,
I don't recall the date,
We made a rule for our premier award,
Even if it made the cut, a nomination met its fate,
If one in twenty didn't think it scored

At first it proved a good rule,
Avoided the long tails,
But later, when the field ballooned in size,
If our population fails,
To all read the same tales,
Where the ballot's concerned there's too much for the prize,

Then, yes, the genre was small,
Now, though, you can't read it all,
Then, tastes were more concentrated,
The best stories rated,
And found themselves slated

We must this rule amend,
At this point, it's hard to defend,
I think that it makes no sense,
To limit works by five percent.

Reposting this here, since I'd somehow only put it into facebook, where it is -trivial- for it to get lost (whoops).

I should come up with a title for this at some point.
(to the tune of Santa Monica Pier, of course). And maybe a second verse (or two).

I've got half a dozen apples in my pocket, rolling round and getting bruised,
I should cut them up into pieces, and soak them up before they're stewed,
The nutmeg smells a little bit like home, like mulled cider on New Year's Eve,
I've got a cup of oatmeal measured out, and the flour is sieved.

I am a baker here, setting up all my kitchen gear,
Greased up pans and cooking shears, planning food like a brigadeer,
Oh, there's a baking pan, covered up in a spray of pam,
I have dreamed of sweets like these, all of my life.

I first heard talis_kimberley's "Cotton Tail Girls" in a Lady Mondegreen concert or oneshot -- with Batya, Merav, and Seanan kicking it out of the park with a triplicate lead and fantastic multi-part harmony. I'd not hear the original--didn't even know there was an original, but it was great stuff.

But, here's the thing about me and music:

I can't pay attention to everything at once.

So..I love clever lyrics, and rhythms, and harmony and melodies--but the first time I hear a song, I'm going to miss some stuff. So while grooving on Cotton Tail Girls for the first time, the only lines that really stuck were the chorus and demi-chorus, plus the lines about hearing for miles and about how if Hefner hadn't chosen a rabbit for the Playboy theme animal, the "Girls" would have been relegated to working in the cotton mills instead of the Playboy club.

This? Made me at first assume that the girls had some attributes that made them -particularly- well suited to working as Playboy bunnies. Of course, that's not the song Talis wrote. OTOH, it doesn't make a bad song idea...

Bunny Eared Girls
Joshua Kronengold
Heavily borrowed from and inspired by Cotton Tail Girls (Talis Kimberley)
To the tune of Cotton Mill Girls (c) Hedy West
(Note that the first verse has one extra stanza before the chorus)

(Jess)
Well, the silver screen has always made me swoon,
'cause my Pa was a human but my Momma's a 'toon, and it's

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

(Betty)
I was born in a test tube in back in '93
When they tried to make a woman who could leap a tree, and it's

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

(Luna)
I got bit by my boyfriend on a Saturday night,
Then I found he was a a rabbit when the moon was bright, and it's
Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, x3
hard times everywhere

(Betty)
I serve plenty of drinks, I make plenty of quips,
I give plenty of winks, I make plenty of tips, and it's

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

It may look like you can break me but I kick like a mule,
(So) If you think you can take me, you will end up the fool, and it's

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, x3
Hard times everywhere

(Luna)
I have to change my style as the moon grows brighter,
I can hear for miles, but my hair gets whiter, (and it's)

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

My teeth are scary, but I don't eat meat,
My legs are hairy, and I've got big feet, and it's,

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, x3
hard times everywhere

(Jess)
The ears are natural, but the tail's brand new,
As for my little black nose, well, I ain't telling you, and it's

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

I work my tail off from five to one,
Then you can find me at the drive-in till I see the sun, (and it's)

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, x3
hard times everywhere

(various, as appropriate)
You may think it silly that I (we?) wear these clothes
But we're glad it was a rabbit Mr Heffner chose, and it's

Hard times bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

Cos if he'd had a spider or a lizard as a pet
We'd all be in a freak-show and we couldn't pay the vet, and it's

Hard times bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere, yeah,

Hard times bunny-eared girls, hard times everywhere.

Hard times, bunny-eared girls, x3
Hard times everywhere


( Older Lyrics behind the cut )

Strike the Rail
Joshua Kronengold
(ttto "Strike the Bell" -- trad)

You're heading for an interview--and starting to run late,
You hope they'll offer you a job, and don't want them to wait.
You swipe right at the turnstyle,
Hear a beep, head forward, when,
The turnstile goes ke-chunk and stops,
it says: "swipe again!"

"Swipe again at this turnstile"
It says repeatedly,
A line forms quick behind you and they murmur angrilly.
You try to calm your heartbeat, raise your card once more and then,
You hope for "Go" but still it says to you: "Swipe again".

You're heading to pick up your date, and due at half past six,
In one pocket's a metro card--the other Broadway tix,
But at the only turnstile, there's a line and you can ken,
That at the front there's someone getting "please, swipe again."

"Swipe again at this turnstile"
It says repeatedly,
A line forms quick behind her and you murmur angrilly.
She tries to calm her heartbeat, raise her card once more and then,
You hope for "Go" but still it says to her: "Swipe again".

You've gotten to a worldcon, and you're paying at the door,
You hope the con will rock, and that your roomate will not snore.
You strike a conversation with a girl whose badge says "Wren",
When the volunteer at reg says "could you please swipe again?"

"Swipe your credit card again--it didn't seem to scan,"
You know the volunteer means well, but this was not your plan,
You don't want to be on line, but join the other fen,
And so you hope, that you won't hear these words: "swipe again!"

"Swipe again at this turnstile"
It says repeatedly,
A line forms quick behind you and they murmur angrilly.
You try to calm your heartbeat, raise your card once more and then,
You hope for "Go" but still it says to you: "Swipe again".