mneme | (Reply)

From:

Impressive. But if I may comment... well, I am.

Too many commas. You don't need one at every time you'd pause in recitation: English punctuation tries to reflect structure as well as speech. So

I gorge on poppies, stamens down to roots,
They fill me up, and yet I do not sleep.
My magic spent(,?) on hats and jumping boots,
But in my mind, the fears and doubts still creep.
I know my past, my sisters 'fore the fall, 5
And that's my pain, my eyes no longer weep,
Before their deaths, that we created all,
I wish for death, and so this tea I steep.
Forgetfullness can't last, but it might ease,
The weight of all this past but it's not cheap; 10
My eyes, my magic, bounties that might please,
The folk of Oz, but truly it's no leap,
To see that it's my sorrow that's the cause,
Of everything that's wonderful and terrible in Oz.

line 3: Makes sense either way, thus "?"
5: "'fore" will confuse when spoken aloud. "Ere", perhaps?
6–8: I can't parse these lines, can't see how they fit together.
9: "Forgetfulness", just one "l". The comma at the end of the line: if "the weight" in 10 is the object of "ease", drop that comma.
14: Eight feet. ???