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Joshua Kronengold
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Date: 2008-05-13 07:39 pm (UTC)Those look good, will mull them over (it's not like I haven't changed the song a dozen times since I posted it). The bit I keep coming back to as redundant is my use "wrong" twice, in slightly different meanings, but I don't see a way to change that that's a clear improvement.
... Ok, I've looked them over, and you're right -- they're improvements. Thanks! (yoinked!) (I also like that "can see" gives a more visceral feel).