mneme: (Default)
[personal profile] mneme
A Sonnet to Serenity

First quatrain and last couplet by Joshua Kronengold, second quatrain and following couplet by [personal profile] batyatoon, first couplet (5-6) and editing by [personal profile] thnidu.


Deny me answer to my heart's behest,
Deprive me of my property and lot,
Remove my person, force me by duress,
To where the land shan't bear me, I care not.
For I am unencumbered by oppression,
Nor canst thou wrest the sky from my possession.

Though I be exiled to the endless dark,
And though they tell the world I'll not return;
Though thou may'st fan the flame or set the spark
That seas may boil and that the land may burn;
My will's my own, and so the skies shall be --
And neither wilt thou ever take from me.

Now nowhere can I be, since Peace I found,
But mine is that which lies above the ground.

Date: 2015-01-06 11:40 pm (UTC)
thnidu: painting: a girl pulling a red wagon piled almost to her own height of books along a sidewalk (books)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
Aha! I just realized why the verse structure seemed so familiar: It's the ending of a Shakespearean sonnet (with an extra foot in its first line... not its mouth).

• shant
→ shan't (not that Willie the Shake would've cared)

I like it.

Date: 2015-01-07 01:13 am (UTC)
thnidu: my familiar. "Beanie Baby" -type dragon, red with white wings (Default)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
Good!

Date: 2015-01-08 03:18 am (UTC)
batyatoon: (mightier than the sword)
From: [personal profile] batyatoon
Though I be exiled to the endless dark,
And though they tell the world I'll not return;
Though thou may'st fan the flame or set the spark
That seas may boil and the land may burn;
My will's my own, and so the skies shall be --
And neither wilt thou ever take from me.

Date: 2015-01-08 06:14 am (UTC)
thnidu: my familiar. "Beanie Baby" -type dragon, red with white wings (Default)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
Whee!

Little scansiony bits:

[personal profile] batyatoon, this
• That seas may boil and the land may burn;
doesn't scan right for me unless I make "boil" two syllables (~ "boy-ell") or hold it like a half-note. Would you consider
?→ That seas may boil and that the land may burn;

[personal profile] mneme, this
• Nowhere can I be, since Peace I found,
feels to me lacking the first ˘ (unaccented syllable), and I stumbled while reading it. What about
?→ Then nowhere can I be, since Peace I found,


So then we'd have
Deny me answer to my heart's behest,
Deprive me of my property and lot,
Remove my person, force me by duress,
To where the land shan't bear me, I care not.
For I am unencumbered by oppression,
Nor canst thou wrest the sky from my possession.

Though I be exiled to the endless dark,
And though they tell the world I'll not return;
Though thou may'st fan the flame or set the spark
That seas may boil and that the land may burn;
My will's my own, and so the skies shall be --
And neither wilt thou ever take from me.

Then nowhere can I be, since Peace I found,
But mine is that which lies above the ground.

Date: 2015-01-08 01:07 pm (UTC)
batyatoon: (Default)
From: [personal profile] batyatoon
I was thinking of "boil" as two syllables, yeah, but maybe let's keep it as one.

Date: 2015-01-10 07:28 am (UTC)
thnidu: edited from img383.imageshack.us/img383/3066/ss35450qf7.jpg (smiley)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
Very nice! But you give me too much credit. Editing, yes, but I'm pretty sure I didn't write that first couplet (5-6). It was in your original version; see my first comment.

Date: 2015-01-10 04:16 pm (UTC)
thnidu: my familiar. "Beanie Baby" -type dragon, red with white wings (Default)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
Oh. (Blush)

Date: 2015-01-12 09:22 pm (UTC)
thnidu: Red pen. Text: The red penis the editor's friend; editing mark "insert space" in "penis". from lj:stormsdotter (editor's friend)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
• A Sonnet to Serentiy
→ (the obvious)

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Joshua Kronengold

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